The man I shared the same bed with thinks I am controlling his life. Prejudiced against me when he only listened to one side of the story. Thinks I am smart because I am full of clever excuses when confronted. I am lost for words.
I don't know what to do or what else to say. I just couldn't believe what he had just said. The person I called my soulmate had just uttered those words and claimed that I am controlling his life.
I wished I am dead.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Change
Just as I was working alone this morning, I suddenly have the urge to browse the same old website I used to love when I was in my single days. To seek for ideas and surprise him with lovely messages and quotes. Only difference is, this time I was looking for a different kinda of quote to describe my feelings.
"Sometimes the people who you thought you knew...start becoming the strangers you never wanted."
In just a matter of years, I feel my world came crushing down. The Husband is not the same person I knew 10 years ago. I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, and I don't know if it's me who has changed or him.
"Sometimes the people who you thought you knew...start becoming the strangers you never wanted."
"Everything in life is temporary, because everything
changes. That's why it takes great courage to love, knowing it might end
anytime but having the faith it will last forever."
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Does it always have to be this way?
It's been 8 years of relationship and 3 years of marriage. Of which 2 years we're blessed with a beautiful baby boy. But we never go to bed together. Hardly. I have not turned to u (oh dear blog) for a long time now to listen to the stories of my heart. I got no one to talk to, nowhere to turn, no postings on FB and not even on Mummies Connect (MC) anymore because every time someone replies, hub will tend to read it later on and I have friends who are in MC as well.
Thanks for being my only friend now. It's not that I lead an unhappy marriage. Well as they always say, marriage takes two. Just like parenthood. But looks like I'm the one doing the job most of the time and hub is just around to play or do the light stuffs. Every night after I put kiddo to bed, it's always me ALONE in the dark, with my loyal iPad as my company. Each time I browse friends pics on FB, I feel a sense of loneliness, regret that I do not have BFF to call my won. How sad can that be?
Hub was out with a different group of friends this afternoon. And now he's out again with another group. Our only contact was having lunch together today, that's it. Although I look forward to dinner at mom's every Saturday, I also dread seeing hub's face. It's as if our family is in his debt. I really don't know how to face my parents. I'm sorry daddy, I'm sorry mommy.
Well, does it always have to be this way? When will the skies look brighter? Only god knows.
Monday, November 22, 2010
My Baby Kayen
I am so excited at the thought of holding you soon, my child! Mommy is sooo looking forward to have you to celebrate Chinese New Year with us. Although your Great Granny (Ah Zho) said no red clothing for you, Mommy has silently bought you a couple of red rompers to prepare you to meet everybody during CNY.
You should know, Mommy is a little over excited when it comes to Christmas and CNY, always have, and always will. Love these two holidays the most, favourite time of the year. With you coming around in January makes this time of year all the more special for both Daddy and Mommy.
It's weird this feeling I have inside me, I am beginning to feel such deep love for you. Mommy wants all the best things for you, like how Grandpa and Grandpa did for me. Yesterday Daddy and Mommy went to Aussino in Dataran Pahlawan and got you an animal theme bedding set and also a hooded towel to wrap you with when you leave the hospital.
Be good my darling boy, grow healthy and remember, Mommy loves you, just like how I always whisper to you every night before going to bed.
You should know, Mommy is a little over excited when it comes to Christmas and CNY, always have, and always will. Love these two holidays the most, favourite time of the year. With you coming around in January makes this time of year all the more special for both Daddy and Mommy.
It's weird this feeling I have inside me, I am beginning to feel such deep love for you. Mommy wants all the best things for you, like how Grandpa and Grandpa did for me. Yesterday Daddy and Mommy went to Aussino in Dataran Pahlawan and got you an animal theme bedding set and also a hooded towel to wrap you with when you leave the hospital.
Be good my darling boy, grow healthy and remember, Mommy loves you, just like how I always whisper to you every night before going to bed.
Friday, October 15, 2010
I Finally Found You
Yes, I finally found him. Yeap I know it sounds more like when you're just in love or just married, not when you're already together for six years and a baby is on the way. But lately, I think I have just fallen in love with him again. I finally found the right man.
You know how pregnancy can make you go crazy and how the hormones are going bonkers, he was there with me, comforting me and teasing me at times just to make me feel better. I would never ever give up anything to change that. It's easy falling in love with guys, but not easy to finally settle with Mr. Right. I don't think I want to go through that process all over again, only to find that he's not really The One.
He went through with me so much in the past six years, and although it may not be as long as some relationships out there, I know I can count on him, depend on him for everything. Tolerating with me (being the only child) can be quite challenging at times. Well, the reason why I said I found The One is because he pampers me the way my parents used to, and perhaps even more, like how a husband would do. Thinking back as I'm writing this, I'm smiling to myself because I remember how at times I would get all emotional and kept crying for no reasons. And there he will be, right next to me, just to cuddle me and tell me everythings alright. Haha and then the next day he'll tell me, he got panicked because he didn't know what to do, yet he had to maintain his 'cool'. Haha!
I know you will always hold my hand and walk with me until we have grey hair and false teeth. I know you will always pamper me the way I like it. I know you will always support me in anything I do (even though I may be wrong at times). I know I have a bad temper and I know you will always have a way to cool me down and talk sense with me, I know you've just got your way with me.
But, I want you to know that I too, will walk hand in hand with you, go through all our ups and downs, for the rest of our lives. I want to and will be your pillar of strength, I want to make you laugh and take away all your worries for as long as I can. I want to...so many other things.
I am so blessed, and all I want to say is, I LOVE YOU, for being my everything. I guess I just, found you.
You know how pregnancy can make you go crazy and how the hormones are going bonkers, he was there with me, comforting me and teasing me at times just to make me feel better. I would never ever give up anything to change that. It's easy falling in love with guys, but not easy to finally settle with Mr. Right. I don't think I want to go through that process all over again, only to find that he's not really The One.
He went through with me so much in the past six years, and although it may not be as long as some relationships out there, I know I can count on him, depend on him for everything. Tolerating with me (being the only child) can be quite challenging at times. Well, the reason why I said I found The One is because he pampers me the way my parents used to, and perhaps even more, like how a husband would do. Thinking back as I'm writing this, I'm smiling to myself because I remember how at times I would get all emotional and kept crying for no reasons. And there he will be, right next to me, just to cuddle me and tell me everythings alright. Haha and then the next day he'll tell me, he got panicked because he didn't know what to do, yet he had to maintain his 'cool'. Haha!
I know you will always hold my hand and walk with me until we have grey hair and false teeth. I know you will always pamper me the way I like it. I know you will always support me in anything I do (even though I may be wrong at times). I know I have a bad temper and I know you will always have a way to cool me down and talk sense with me, I know you've just got your way with me.
But, I want you to know that I too, will walk hand in hand with you, go through all our ups and downs, for the rest of our lives. I want to and will be your pillar of strength, I want to make you laugh and take away all your worries for as long as I can. I want to...so many other things.
I am so blessed, and all I want to say is, I LOVE YOU, for being my everything. I guess I just, found you.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Out of sight, out of mind.....how true?
October 2010, marked the seventh month since I left my ex company, my first ever job, my bunch of good friends whom I've worked/played hard with for four years. All our laughters, tears, ups and downs were shared together and suddenly, they're all gone.
My mom used to say, "Out of sight, out of mind" to me whenever I'm away from home and if I ever forgot to return a phone call. Sometimes I would be busy, sometimes..well yeah perhaps I stray a little. But the thing is, I believe distance does make people grow apart, no matter how much you put an effort in keeping in touch. At least that's what I think.
I miss my old job, I miss my bunch of crazy coliqs. Period. That place had been like a second home to me, if you guys know what kinda working hours we endured. But, regardless the torments and endless last minute orders from The Boss, we love working together, because we worked hard and played hard and shared all the failures and sweet success together. That's what it is all about. I found my 'place', somewhere I totally belong, and the job I love to do.
Seven months seem to make everything go away like it's been seven years. And being pregnant at this very time didn't help much because I was constantly being so emotional. Eg: Not liking my job, can't find my sense of belonging at this foreign new environment (although some of the peeps here are extremely nice). I missed everything I used to do. People who used to be closed to me are now good friends with others. Who am I to blame, my physical self is apparently missing, and a phone call or Skype don't seem like the best alternative to share stories. It is then that I feel really disappointed, regretful, hurt and very sorry for myself for how things turned out.
I just wish things would be better, a new year and exciting year in 2011. I can't wait to embrace all the good things that are to come (I hope), especially Junior, whom I can't wait to hold. I need to find myself, my sense of belonging, my confidence, my happiness and my success again.
My mom used to say, "Out of sight, out of mind" to me whenever I'm away from home and if I ever forgot to return a phone call. Sometimes I would be busy, sometimes..well yeah perhaps I stray a little. But the thing is, I believe distance does make people grow apart, no matter how much you put an effort in keeping in touch. At least that's what I think.
I miss my old job, I miss my bunch of crazy coliqs. Period. That place had been like a second home to me, if you guys know what kinda working hours we endured. But, regardless the torments and endless last minute orders from The Boss, we love working together, because we worked hard and played hard and shared all the failures and sweet success together. That's what it is all about. I found my 'place', somewhere I totally belong, and the job I love to do.
Seven months seem to make everything go away like it's been seven years. And being pregnant at this very time didn't help much because I was constantly being so emotional. Eg: Not liking my job, can't find my sense of belonging at this foreign new environment (although some of the peeps here are extremely nice). I missed everything I used to do. People who used to be closed to me are now good friends with others. Who am I to blame, my physical self is apparently missing, and a phone call or Skype don't seem like the best alternative to share stories. It is then that I feel really disappointed, regretful, hurt and very sorry for myself for how things turned out.
I just wish things would be better, a new year and exciting year in 2011. I can't wait to embrace all the good things that are to come (I hope), especially Junior, whom I can't wait to hold. I need to find myself, my sense of belonging, my confidence, my happiness and my success again.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
To my Unborn Child
I never thought I'd be doing this someday, and what a perfect time to start a blog of my own...dedicating the first ever post to lil' junior 23 weeks on the way into the real world.
To my unborn child,
what I wish to give you in times to come,
happiness, and wisdom,
a life filled with fun,
to explore all adventures of your curious mind,
to become knowledgeable of what you'll find,
as I await your arrival and the presence of newborn cries,
I picture how you'll look when I open up my eyes.
I feel your movements everytime I wake each day,
letting mommy know that you're okay,
obstacles I hope you'll overcome,
education I know you'll get done.
I stay up late reading to you,
talking to my stomach,
a feeling I never knew,
hungry all the time
No doubt you're a son of mine,
You make me feel happy even when I'm sad,
because the formation of another life makes me glad.
Proud of you I am,
I already know how you'll be,
a smart lil' man for mommy to see,
no worries from me a mom to be,
to a special baby boy I can't wait to see.
Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/family/poetry.asp?poem=2367
To my unborn child,
what I wish to give you in times to come,
happiness, and wisdom,
a life filled with fun,
to explore all adventures of your curious mind,
to become knowledgeable of what you'll find,
as I await your arrival and the presence of newborn cries,
I picture how you'll look when I open up my eyes.
I feel your movements everytime I wake each day,
letting mommy know that you're okay,
obstacles I hope you'll overcome,
education I know you'll get done.
I stay up late reading to you,
talking to my stomach,
a feeling I never knew,
hungry all the time
No doubt you're a son of mine,
You make me feel happy even when I'm sad,
because the formation of another life makes me glad.
Proud of you I am,
I already know how you'll be,
a smart lil' man for mommy to see,
no worries from me a mom to be,
to a special baby boy I can't wait to see.
Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/family/poetry.asp?poem=2367
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